There was anger. It's like knives on my skin or being rubbed raw. So much fear.

I didn't understand why the anger came at me. I'd been trying so hard to be good. So hard to be a good girl and not make anyone angry. But there was so much anger coming at me. I couldn't stop crying.


I couldn't stop crying. And all day I felt so scared and so sad. So tired. So raw.

Even when the sorrys came. Even when they made up. I couldn't shake the scared. The sad. Couldn't stop wanting to scratch the skin. To cut. To feel something other than scared pain.

Feeling more numb again today. More numbness. Little sad. Little scared. Tired.

 

Urgh, had some days of panick last week. Ended in total self-destruct mode yet again. Mainly seeking to cut. Tara S stepped in on my behalf and told mel that she had to do something. And since the only thing I have real interest in is books, I am reading Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon. It's a difficult read really. So much going on and lots of description. But I'm enjoying it so far.

All right, we are supposed to go shopping and there isn't even a list yet. Time to get a move on.

Ana

(Small break while we try to catch the kitten that seems to need to be outside despite all attempts on our behalf otherwise ... still on the run anyway).

I am mourning for myself. I have been 14 for the majority of time I can remember- over 10 years. I have sporadic memories before that. But, that's not the point. I am upset.

I am upset because I may be stuck here- at 14. The body ages, but I (and others) stay the same.  PATTIE has asked before why she doesn't go to school or have friends.  I understand why and it totally sucks.

Perhaps I could grow- age by dealing with whatever has me stuck here.  I don't know right now, I just wanted to share.

(We cut the rest because it's private stuff and I have to catch that fucking cat before picking up the kid at school).

Mel forgot to buy my gum.  She didn't get me any books at the library and now she's taking me on this stupid trip this weekend. IT"S SO NOT FAIR.  I never get to do anything i want to do. Which is mostly reading and listening to music.  And now she's all pissy cauise someone is selling stuff off Freecycle.  And I wish I could just be normal sometimes. Y"KNOW. *pout*

We stayed up until 1 Am reading the end of the book.

Mel STILL reads too fast. But she slowed considerably.  She reads most of the words.

The end was a little disappointing compared to the rest of the book.  I'll put it behind LJ cut.

But it was a good book anyway.

Second to the book, (although it could be said more importantly), it turns out I'm rather powerful.  Mel can usually lock everyone out of front at will or accidently.  But she cannot lock me out.  Even if she tries really hard.  If I don't want to go.  I thought I'd try last night but it didn't work.

Then I explained to her what I knew about the abuse that occured.  So, that's all settled out nicely now. 

Next I have "the second summer of the sisterhood" in the sisterhood of the travelling pants series.  And "bright purple" by melody carlson whcih is also part of a series of books eacha  different colour, the "true colour" series.  Mel would like to read "deep green".  We will have to see if the library carries them.    

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here.

My name is Anna. I live in the "collective" of Asrai. I'm 12 or 13 or maybe even 14. I like reading. I am a little self-destructive (according to Mel).

I used to write. And I'd like to do that again. Once we figure out how exactly this is going to work. Sharing body time is a new concept for Mel and we have to work out the kinks. She often hijacks people without realizing what she is doing. It's frustrating.

Anyway, hello. I don't think we have any friends yet, but Mel will announce it on her journal. So hello if anyone friends us from there.

Anna